Lane

Living the painful life of being a transsexual makes me feel extremely insecure; especially to comments heard by indiscreet critics. It does not feel good and is not welcomed. If you have been laughed at, then you have been judged. This was particularly true when it came to the sound of my voice; although my physical appearance is that of a female, my voice was definitely male! I tried to alter the pitch, but I sounded like actors on television commercials where the guys are sitting at a bar, dressed in "Drag" trying to get a free beer on Lady's night out.

I hated my voice. I read several books on how to sound female; sought therapy with speech pathologists; spoke in a whisper; etc. Even after months of devoted practice, I still spoke as a "Nelly" (the term used for effeminate gays). No matter how desperately I tried to change my inflection, pitch or breathy emission, I still sounded awful. When I attempted to use a soft, and breathy voice; I found it more suitable for a one-nine-hundred number than for office chitchat. It is such a horrible feeling to be "read" simply because I sounded like a man.

I was on hormone replacement therapy but the estrogen did not have any effect on my vocal cords. A therapist educated me on this subject. Apparently, when I went through puberty, I produced testosterone that thickened the vocal cords and could not be subsequently altered by hormones. The only way to modify the sound of my voice is to adjust the pitch (by speaking falsetto), or by having surgery. I preferred surgery.

I scheduled a vocal cord modulation procedure to be performed on Wednesday, August 3, 1994. I flew into Los Angeles International Airport and stayed at the Beverly Hills Hilton hotel. The next morning, I met with Dr. Toby Mayer for my pre-operation consultation where he educated me about the procedure. He informed me that it would be performed under local anesthetic and would take about an hour to complete.

He was forthright in telling me that the procedure is not 100 percent guaranteed to work. I didn't care; even if the failure rate had been extremely high I would have assumed the risk. I did not want to sound like a man any longer! I would rather have no voice than that of a man's.

Dr. Toby Mayer is a very professional doctor. He is talented and expects greatness from his entire staff and even patients. His nurse warned me that I should not say anything unless Dr. Mayer spoke. "And if he tells you not to swallow, don't swallow! Those are the rules. Obey them and everything should go fine in the operating room."

Dr. Mayer entered the room and seemed premeditated on the procedure - nothing else. He asked me to count from 100 backwards as I spoke into a tape recorder.

I began to speak, "100, 99, 98..."

"Lane," he continued, "I'm going to inject you with a local anesthetic and there might be a little discomfort. After the initial injection, there is no need for you to experience any pain. So if you feel any soreness, tell me immediately." The surgery began.

The surgery is painless. The only discomfort comes from not being able to swallow. Actually, my lip quivered at times because I needed to so badly. When Dr. Mayer permitted, it was almost as if God Himself had given me permission.

Finally, I heard his words, "Count to 100 backwards, again," he asked.

I began to speak, "100."

I sounded different! "99." Oh yeah, I thought to myself. I'm definitely squeaky. "98"

"Good," came the response from Dr. Mayer. "Now swallow."

Dr. Mayer laid his hand on my chest and gently patted me and said, "You were a great patient. The surgery is over."

I wanted, and got, a talented, deliberate, and skillful surgeon.

During my exit conference I was told to call him back in thirty days. When I did, Dr. Mayer listened and expressed his pleasure, but insisted I call him again in another thirty days. This practice continued for approximately four or five months until one day I heard him say, "Great, you're out of the woods. You no longer need to call. The surgery was a success. Congratulations!"

Although he waited months to tell me of the outcome, I knew the surgery was successful as soon as the following day. I still sounded squeaky, and called room service at the hotel for some soup. The response I received from the restaurant operator was very pleasing. "Oh, Sweetie, you sound like you have such a horrible cold. Be sure and get some rest and we'll have your soup up to you shortly, Ms. Reynolds."

What an affirmation!

I'm very pleased with my results. As a sidebar, I've not been referred to as a male from that day forward. Of all my surgeries, it was the single most successful surgery I underwent to make me feel accepted.

About a year later, I found myself returning to Dr. Mayer's office for other procedures. I had already determined that I would be wearing hair for the rest of my life. Again, testosterone was the poison that made my transition more difficult! Being in my late 30's, I was developing male-pattern baldness and read where Dr. Fleming and Dr. Mayer could harvest an entire section of hair from the side of my head and move it to the front - thus giving me a softer hairline. Lastly, I wanted to have him remove many of the wrinkles created by electrolysis when I was having facial hair removed.

I consider Dr. Mayer a compassionate and skillful surgeon, but also a friend. He listened to my needs, informed me of what could be done, and performed all three procedures. As a result, I feel great!

Lane Paige Reynolds Grant, Ph.D., CPA